Sunday, 7 April 2013

Entertainment stuff from the week 1-7/4/13

Hi, Reptilian illuminati overlords and overlordesses

Welcome to the 61,826th annual conference, according to the Martian calendar, and sponsored by Monsanto.

Please join me in a prayer to the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster (all praise Her noodly goodness)

"Licat Volare Si Super Tergum Aquila Volat"

We are indeed blessed, for we have been touched by Her noodly appendage, and freed from greed, poverty, conservatism, droughts, and winters that don't seem to know when to end.

You might have noticed that the 1st of April has been and gone, but you might also have noticed a parodical theme to this week's post... maybe ;-)

The 'of the week's will all be April-fools related too, btw.

Does anyone think it's slightly weird that the word "afro", meaning a big, frizzy hairstyle, derives from "african", and the greek word "aphros" means 'foam' - the reason 'Aphrodite' is thought to mean 'born from foam'?

I'm beginning to wonder whether it's meaningful to say that the ancient Greeks invented afros...

If it goes ahead, the proposed mission for a married couple to fly by Mars, in 2018, will be insulated from cosmic rays with... their own excretory matter!

'Mars trip to use astronaut poo as radiation shield'

"Water has long been suggested as a shielding material for interplanetary space missions. "Water is better than metals for protection," says Marco Durante of the Technical University of Darmstadt in Germany. That's because nuclei are the things that block cosmic rays, and water molecules, made of three small atoms, contain more nuclei per volume than a metal."

{There's another mission for landing on Mars, to be funded as a Reality TV project - by a Dutch TV program}

I'm torn between considering this 'research paper' unbearably cute, and unbearably enauseating. They should have made the proposition earlier, in time for SADay.

Aww... eurgh... aww... eurgh... aww...

------------------------------------------------------ contemporary stuff


Wife of North Korea's leader defends her hubby:

'Kim Jong-Un's Wife On Nuclear Threats: 'This Isn't The Man I Was Forced To Marry''
"“Since being ordered by my government to spend the rest of my life with this man, I’ve gotten to know him very well, and I can tell you that the Jong-un threatening nuclear war is not the same Jong-un who plucked me out of a parade and demanded I cut ties with my family,” said Ri, adding that she still believes the controlling despot who erased her identity and forbade her from leaving the residential villa is in there somewhere.",31944/

A harrowing expos
é of the depths that some calligraphic symbols will stoop to, in order to catch a reader's eye:

'10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet',31940/

Former leader of the Cult of England, home to the mentally enfeebled, makes an uncharacteristically bigoted statement, in which he confuses 'being persecuted' with 'not being allowed to persecute others':

'Lord Carey somehow mistaking ‘not getting own way all of the time’ with ‘persecution’'
""Persecuted Christians have spoken in support of Lord Carey, saying there has never been a worse time to be a Christian in the six-thousand year old history of the world."
Lord Carey continued his tirade against the government, telling Mail readers, “Did you know the government is also happy for people to not be Christians – what’s that all about?”
“This country is just one step away from burning Christians at the stake.”
However non-Christian Simon Williams told us, “He’s afraid of being burned at the stake? Ah, I see what he’s done there, he’s mistaken the way Christians used to deal with non-believers, with how a civilised society deals with grown-ups who still play make-believe.”
“I suppose if you’re the sort of person who believes the Bible is literally true, then that sort of mistake is easy to make”."
{Religion's so easy to mock -- but the ridiculous should expect to be ridiculed}

The discovery of water on Mars has revealed a price-tag far lower than with most bottled Earth water:

'Martian water still cheaper than Evian'
"NASA spokesperson Simon Williams explained, “We believed that the water we have potentially discovered in the rocks of Mars would be the most expensive drinking water in the history of mankind. Until someone went to buy lunch at the supermarket.”...“Frankly if you’re willing to pay that much for bottled water on a planet that is 70% covered in water, and where water regularly falls for free from the sky, then you deserve to be mocked.”."
{Bottled water is needlessly expensive, and usually less healthy than municipal (tap) water - what a rip-off!}

These next two didn't even have to be made up. The world of economics is full of ready-made LOLs... well, it is if you know where to look!

'‘Surreal’ tax decision over Brideshead painting'
"A UK court decision to classify a multi-million work of art as ‘plant’ will ‘offend almost anyone with an inkling of common sense’."
The meaning of 'plant' in this context, is as in 'power plant' i.e. a fixed asset such as a building or piece of equipment, integral to the running of a business.
This painting was not owned by a business, nor integral to the running of one - not even an art gallery! Classifying it as 'plant' was merely a ruse to avoid paying Capital Gains Tax.

'Salz review exposes deep flaws in Barclays' culture'
"The Salz review revealed that Barclay’s structured capital markets made over £9.5bn in 11 years."
'Structured capital markets' means 'pushing money around so you don't have to pay taxes on it', to you and me.
"The 244-page Salz review, which took eight months to produce and interviewed 600 bank employees - found Barclays’ bankers had lost a ‘sense of proportion and humility’."
You're having a laugh! I don't believe they ever had a ‘sense of proportion and humility’ to lose... did they?!?

And finally, some 'normal' stuff:

'Cassetteboy Reviews: MASTERCHEF // Bad Teeth'

'The Checkout - Episode 3'

'The First Honest Cable Company'

------------------------------------------------------ of the weeks

Just a reminder: All of these 'of the week's are fallacious, in some way. Enjoy...

English Word Of The Week: Realist -- a catalogue of bottoms

Italian Word Of The Week: Beehive -- command to improve attitude

Scottish Word Of The Week: Dragoon -- command to keep pulling

Japanese Word Of The Week: Rift -- an elevator

Yiddish Word Of The Week: Duty -- kosher beverage

French Word Of The Week: Le word {...le starting blocks! [tuts]}, really. French WOTW: Salut -- 'it's a toilet'

Medical Euphemism Of The Week: A shiny -- a coy patella

New Zealand Word Of The Week: Symmetry -- where dead people are buried

Cookery Word Of the Week: Mushroom -- the free space in a mortar

Etymology Of The Week: Polygami - the ancient art of wife-folding -- from 'Poly' (a girl's name) and 'gami' (to fold)

DIY Snack Of The Week: Hammer sandwich

Drink Of The Week: Champoo - champagne with really big bubbles!

Illness Of The Week: Drapetomania

Expression Of The Week: "put a sock in it" -- the instruction manual for the world's smallest tumble-dryer

Quote Of The Week: "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

Silly Sports Commentator Quote Of The Week: "One or two harmless missiles have been thrown into the penalty area" (Montenegro v. England, on ITV (this one's real))

Tasty Rodent Of The Week: The BLT Mouse

Fact Of The Week: Jesus' maternal grandmother - St. Anne - had seven heads (at least, that's the number recognised by the Xtian Church)

------------------------------------------------------ non-contemporary stuff

'Possibly my favourite photo ever…' - Richard Wiseman

'The never-ending story…' via Richard Wiseman

'Amazing magic clerk' via Richard Wiseman

'Real-Life Spider-Man'
"The Ukrainian daredevil, better known as “Mustang Wanted” enjoys freaking out onlookers."
He's certainly freaking me out!

Oh, shit - loads of empty space! Right, let's put something in it... how about some excerpts from a now-out-of-print book called 'Funny Funny Funny'?

It's one of a few books by Denys Parsons, cataloguing funny (and verified, real) newspaper excerpts, signs, and mis-prints. If you don't find them funny... then i don't know what to say!

Paul Kelly of Lime Avenue, East Grinstead was fined ₤15 at East Grinstead Magistrates Court on Monday for using a colour television without a silencer.
East Grinstead Observer

First check the tyres for cuts and blemishes. Now get down on your knees, move them backwards and forwards, and if there is any appreciable shake, that indicates worn bearings or swivel pins.
Motor Mart

The magistrate, Mr. Harley, said he thought it proper that at times a man should beat his wife, and the Bible supported that statement; but beating must be done as a service of love, not in temper. Accused should have used a reasonably sized stick. It was a pity he had lost his temper and used an iron bar.
Daily Telegraph
{Would be in the Torygraph, wouldn't it!}

Mr. Leonard said PC Groves told the detectives, 'I was repairing her needlework-box and accidentally hit her on the head. Somehow it developed and i put my arms around her neck and strangled her. Have you ever had one of those days when nothing goes right?'
The Times

WANTED: man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
Notice in Sydney restaurant
{I'll put up with the former, for the latter :o) }

TO LET FURNISHED: self-contained flatlet: ₤30 per calendar month; hot water, lighting, rats inclusive.
Advert in Liverpool Echo

He smiled and let his gaze fall to hers, so that her cheek began to glow. Ecstatically she waited until his mouth slowly neared her own. She knew only one thing: rdoendtrgoveniardgoverdgovnrdgog.
Badische Presse

After my marriage i taught a class of backward children in a county primary school. I feel i have the right kind of training and experience to understand your problems and represent you on the City Council.
From an election address
{Sounds about right. You're hired :-D }

Powerful personality, clear voice and imposing stature made her the perfect Queen of the Fairies.
Aberdeen Evening Express

Gerona. Here is a name and a symbol. A name set in the tentacles of Empire. Of aristocratic craddle. Old and fruitful savour, speaking about daring legions, unfinishing ways, acqueducts, warlike marching and toges. Gerona was promise and reality. Promise because upon it would fall the evangelic seed, the seed of the mustard, not because small less strong in the aborescence and the fruit.
From a Gerona guidebook
{Oh - the wonder of translations}

Mr. and Mrs. John Beverlin are rejoicing over an eight-pound daughter, their sixth child since last Saturday.
Illinois paper

The competitors were in no way upset by the cold north-east wind blowing on the diving board from the four corners of the Earth.
Daily Mail

Cheap sponge roll
Take a teacupful of flour and mix it with a teacupful of caster sugar and a teaspoonful of baking powder; break two eggs into a cup, then slide into the mixture.
Bristol Times and Mirror

After removing the meat from your broiling pan, allow to soak in soapy water.
Seattle Post-Intelligencer

I once got a circular from a man who grew potatoes containing his photograph and, i think, his autobiography.
Musical Standard

NOTICE Will Gentlemen taking pots of tea on to the college lawns please exercise more care. Their hot bottoms are killing the grass.
University notice

WANTED – a steady young woman to wash, iron and milk two cows.
New Zealand paper

In addition to the fine work done by the Irish regiments he assured them that many a warm Irish heart beat under a Scottish kilt.
Irish paper

Violence – Judge hits out
Nottingham Evening Post

Funerals. Parking for clients only
Notice at Surrey undertakers

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